When I Look Beneath the Busy-ness

Run Away

There is no mistaking I am a doer. Go-getter. Goal-setter. Goal-crusher. Do better. Feel better. Always looking at ways to learn more. About myself. Challenge myself. Be a great mother. Meet all my expectations. And yes. Sometimes. Try and meet someone else’s expectations. Point being. I want to be the best at everything I do. I am obsessed with doing. I am obsessed with doing better. With doing more. Because more is better. More makes me believe I am better.

And that’s the slap of reality. Kick in the stomach reality. Blindsided the F outta me on good day reality, I have been forced to look at about myself in the past couple weeks.

Yellow Heart

The truth is. It’s not a new reality for me. I just realized why I fill every bit of my time up doing things for everyone else. Or doing things that somehow show my worth. The good thing news is I wouldn’t change being a “giver”. The bad news is, I am so busy giving, I give up on myself. You see in some twisted unconscious mindset I believe that doing. And giving means that I matter. Doing and giving means that I am important. I am not invisible. And doing and giving, makes me irreplaceable.

But what all this doing and giving outshines the authentic me. And I am left feeling even more replaceable. And unimportant. So I do more. And more. Even though I know better.

Green Heart

Because you see, I am not what I do. I am not the things I get done. My f-ing never-ending to-list I work on isn’t why I am here. I am playing a role of a “busy-giver-doer’ and it’s failing me. Again. Again. Because it’s a role. And it’s not who I am.

Heart in a tree

But if I stopped all the doing. I mean all the doing I could stop. Not work or grad school. Or my mother responsibilities. I mean the all the extra doing I’ve noticed fills up my time. And to be honest. I don’t even know if I could stop. For starters that would mean my house would be a mess. And I don’t do well when my house is a mess. Or if we have take-out for dinner. Two nights in a row. But I am trying. And that’s what counts.

But seriously. If I stopped all the doing. Doing all these things. I am forced to just be who I am. I am forced to look at the woman who feels lost in busy-ness. Failing herself. Over. And over again. The past couple months. And frankly, when everything is stripped away. When I look beneath the busy-ness. I don’t feel true to myself. I am playing the role of a “busy-giver-doer”. And it’s failing me.

White Heart

So the last couple weeks I have been coming to terms with being a “busy-giver-doer” like never before. And maybe. Just maybe. I don’t feel as worthy as I led myself to believe. No. I still have lots more work to do.
And that’s okay. Even if it doesn’t feel okay. Because the hardest part was realizing why I still fall into my nasty habit of being a “busy-giver-doer” and give up on things that matter the most to me. The things that nurture who I am.

Being the best at everything I do, doesn’t make me more worthy. No. Doing the things that nurture who I am. Believing in myself. Believing that I am enough. That I am worthy without being a “busy-giver-doer”. That has been my challenge the past couple weeks. I am coming to terms with it. I am coming to terms with the woman that allows herself to fail herself. Again. And again. I am a work in progress. I am mindful of what I need to change about myself. I don’t want to see my nasty habit again. I want to feel worthy without doing all these f-ing things. All the. Time. And I want to change. More than I want to stay the same.

But the truth is, its f-ing hard. Some days more than others. Series of moments hurt my heart. There have been tears. And there will probably be more tears. Maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there right now. Either way. I am here. Reintroducing myself to the world. Showing up to share the good. And bad of what becoming a better version of myself truly means. Showing up to share what being a boss truly means. Because when I don’t show up? I feel worse, because I know better. And I know, you know, better too. And I know. You know. Exactly what I am talking about.

Heart on a tree

 So there you have it. Busy-ness doesn’t equal worthiness. In other news. I think I am the only person in Northern California that slept through a 6.0 earthquake. I am crossing training at a new office. Buckaroo turned 16. Britney still crows. I ran so hard yesterday I could barely walk today. I am having take-out for dinner. I can’t sleep past 6am on weekends anymore. I have missed each and every one of you. The best decision I made for my family and myself since old pup passed away was getting a puppy. More on her later. I don’t like being late for anything. But right now I am behind in everything. And I finally see the finish line with grad school.

What’s new with you?

What did you do today to be active?

Any fun plans for the weekend?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

It’s. Apso-f-ing-lutely. Worth it.

Run. Away.

If you are embarking on any personal journey towards living a healthier, happier, active life, chances are you know what you have to do. You’ve heard it. Seen it written all over social media. Or even written it yourself. I am talking about three words. Three words hold the only key to unlocking a better version of yourself. Three words. You know what they are. Say them with me. Believe. In. Yourself.

We all have something we believe in. And why not believe in the very person. Who decides whether or not we will finish that race. Lose the weight. Get in shape. Make better food choices. Drink less booze. Or love ourselves more. Believe. In. Yourself. It sounds easy enough right?

Heart Shell

The half-true is, believing in myself is easy. Beautiful. Sexy even. Self-confidence runs through my veins. Sure I have dark moments. Or a series of dark moments when I doubt myself. And what I am capable of. And yes. Those moments are difficult. But at the same time. I know they are only dark moments. I know that if I can recognize my dark moments. I need to be ready to show up for a positive versus negative reasons not to quit debate in my head. I know that if I hold my positive ground in that debate. I will win. And before I walk away. I will thank those dark moments for making me a stronger version of myself. I will achieve my goal (s). Make another. And my life goes on. But that’s only half the truth.

White Heart

The whole truth of believing in myself is much murkier. Less sexy. Darker. Painful.  Difficult. And sometimes downright f-ing ugly.

But nobody wants to talk about the murky. Less sexy part of believing in ourselves. Or the dark and difficult moments. Or series of moments. When we are left alone. With ourselves. Left alone with our version of the truth about ourselves. The series of moments when our version of the truth will strip us down to the core of our authenticity. Vulnerability. And weaknesses. Again. And again. Until we learn to fall in love with who we are. And our authenticity. No. Nobody wants to talk about the difficult parts when giving up on ourselves is a viable option. And staying the same means more than becoming a better version of ourselves. Nobody wants to talk about how valuable the downright f-ing ugly parts of believing in ourselves will be for us to become a better version of ourselves. And a stronger version of ourselves. Nobody wants to talk about how f-ing hard believing in yourself is, in a world where the health and beauty industries make billions of dollars off you. Or me. By not believing in ourselves. No. Most of the time, everyone wants to talk about half the truth. Because half the truth is easy. And half the truth isn’t painful.

Heart on a Rock

You see, I didn’t wake up one day believing in myself. It didn’t arrive on a white horse. Or in the mail. It wasn’t delivered by a stork. And I sure the hell didn’t open it on Christmas morning. I didn’t buy any of the latest diets craze. Or beauty fads. No. The less sexy. Downright ugly parts of believing in myself happened over time.

The self-confidence running through my veins comes from my experiences. Mindfulness. Taking chances. Falling. Getting back up. Letting go. Pushing harder. Finishing. Starting over again. And learning to fall in love with myself. Yes. All that happened over time too.

But now that I am here. It’s beautiful. Sexy even. To not give two Fs what Running World has to say about what I wear running. Or what I don’t wear running. To not give two Fs about naysayers but also remember how far I have come to get to here. Where I am today. To get to a place in my life where I feel protective over the runners and other people out there who are going through the much murkier. Less sexy. Darker. Painful. Difficult. And sometimes downright f-ing ugly parts of believing in themselves.

Shell Heart

So if you are embarking on any personal journey towards living a healthier, happier, active life. Or you are somewhere on that journey. Trust me when I say this. I can’t tell you how to believe in yourself. Nobody can tell me how to believe in myself. We have to want something more than staying the same. We have to go through a series on not-so-sexy moments to find out who we are. We have to be willing to learn how fall in love with ourselves. Our self-worth. And the breathing taking perfection of our own authenticity.

But what I can tell you is this. No.Wait.  What I can promise you. Is every single part of going through your journey to the whole truth of believing in yourself. Is apso-f-ing-lutely worth it.

Heart in the Sand

Stay tuned for, in no particular order……..looking back at May in photos. Going forward in June. Big changes. A review. The winner of a Spartan entry. And more.

Is Tuesday being nice to you?

What have you done today to be active?

What’s for dinner?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

The Time. I Decided. Enough. Is F-ing Enough.

Prettiness

I have been thinking about this post all last week. I have been trying to figure out how to word it. So I don’t sound like a bitch. Or give negativity any life. But I can’t stop thinking about it. Stewing over it. And not saying anything about it. Well. Feels wrong.
It all started on twitter.

Yellow Leaf Heart

I was skimming through my twitter feed. Nothing unusual about it. Recipes. Running. News. Inspirational quotes. And then there was a tweet that one of my followers responded to that instantly made my blood pressure hit the roof. In part the tweet said “women, you don’t gain muscle mass that easily and definitely not by lifting 5lbs”. At first I thought maybe I was taking it out of context, so I followed the link to a post. Nope. Not out of context. Um. Are you f-ing kidding me?

Heart On a Leaf

A blue moon ago. I was lifting 5 pound weights. Which meant I made a commitment to get stronger. I made a commitment to be a better version of myself. And part of that journey started with lifting 5 pound f-ing weights. And what upset me the most about the tweet was. There is a person out there beginning their journey to be a better version of themselves. With five-pound weights. They don’t know what it feels like to look back. To see progress. To lift heavier weights. And I know that lifting those 5 pound weights. Will one day. Be totally worth it. The part that upsets me the most? There is a person out there who will be skimming through their twitter feed. See the tweet. Read the post. And decide lifting 5 pound weights isn’t worth it. And just give up on their journey to be a better version of themselves.

I didn’t respond to the tweet. Honestly I couldn’t think of a thing to say that would not breathe life into the negativity.
So I let it go. And went about my day. Until another interaction brought it up again two days later.

Red Heart

We had longtime friends over for a BBQ. By longtime friends. I mean 20 plus years. I was in their wedding. Before kids friends. She started running about a year or so ago. She runs to lose weight. Get in shape. And has participated in a number of races including a 10k. She is currently training for her first half marathon. We were talking about running. Training plans. Running in the hot ass weather we have been having. And she told me she was out running a while back. And someone driving by threw a water bottle at her. It missed hitting her in the head by mere inches. Um. Are you f-ing kidding me?!

At first I laughed. I tend to do that at the wrong times. Then I tried to see something positive about it.
“Was it hot out?”
“Maybe they were trying to be nice?”
“NO” she said
They were laughing and clearly trying to hit me with it”.

I felt awful for her. At the same time, I was so proud of her for not cutting her run short. Giving up on running. And giving up on becoming a better version of herself. Running is hard. Getting out there to run is even harder. But having a water bottle thrown at you? She had every reason to quit. And there is a person out there who may have already quit because some a-hole thinks throwing a water bottle at someone running. Is f-ing funny.
Later that evening I started writing a post. But it just ended up being a rant. That gave life to the negativity. Which is exactly what I didn’t want to do.

So I let it go. Again.But not for very long.

Heart Shadow

Until I was skimming through my twitter feed and saw a tweet from Runner’s World…….

“Have you (or someone you know) fallen victim to these top 10 running fashion faux pas?”
You can see the post here
Um. Are you f-ing kidding me?!

And I lost it.
@runnersworld I run. I wear what I want. I don’t give an F what anybody has to say about it. Every runner should do the same. End of story.

Here’s the thing. I prefer wearing shorts when I run in the pouring rain. Most of my shorts are very short. And if I was a man. I would run shirtless in the rain. With longer shorts of course. I am also the queen of matching.Making fun of what people shouldn’t wear when they run. Isn’t funny. At least to me.

For me it goes back to that one person that wore what Runner’s World called a “victim” of a fashion faux”. Or probably more people. If we are being realistic. Runner’s World has 800k followers on twitter. And maybe those people didn’t think it was funny either. So they decided to give up on running. They decided to give up on becoming a better version of themselves.
And that really upsets me.
And yes. The timing of the tweet had a little something to do with why it upset me.
But that’s not the point.

Green Leaf Heart

The point is. When I see someone start running. Or walking. Doing yoga. Pilates. Or swimming. When I see someone decide to lose weight. To live a more active and healthy life. Or make a change in their life to become a better version of themselves. Whether they are my best friend. Or someone I barely know. I am rooting for them. Routing them when and if I can. I want them to see progress. To feel progress. I want them to be successful. I want the best for them. Because I know how it feels to embark on a life changing goal. I know how it feels to reach a life changing goal. And I desperately want everyone to know that feeling. Because the truth is. If I can do it. Anyone can do it. Which means I am no better than you. And you are no better than me. Our journey in getting there is just different.

Green Heart

When I see a tweet that is riddled with superiority. Or Ridicule. Or I hear about a water bottle being thrown out a car window at a runner. What I don’t see. Is a mindset that is giving inspirational fuel to someone else. What I don’t see is someone routing for someone else to see progress. What I don’t see is someone using their knowledge. And experience to help someone else get to. Where ever it is that person wants to go. Whether that person is starting their journey to be a better version of themselves. Or they are close to reaching their goal to live a more active and healthy life. Because the truth is. We all can use as much inspirational fuel as we can get. Because becoming a better version of ourselves is hard f-ing work.

Heart Rock

This superiority and ridicule? It’s got to stop. Enough is f-ing enough. I am better than this. Everyone is better than this. Each and every one of us needs to support one another. In a positive way. To become a better version of ourselves. And if we can’t be positive. Nonjudgmental. Or supportive. Then maybe we should just not say anything at all.

So how about we all. Make it a personal goal. To be authentic. Supportive. Kind. To take every opportunity we have to give others inspirational fuel on their journey of being a better version of themselves.

Stay tuned for a wrap-up of May in Photos. June goals. And more.

And yes. One of my June goals is to find a way to organize my blog. And my blog posts.
I know I have asked you before, but any thoughts on how I can do better? Nothing has worked so far and its driving me a little crazy.

Did you. Or are you racing this weekend?

What’s for dinner?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!