When I Look Beneath the Busy-ness

Run Away

There is no mistaking I am a doer. Go-getter. Goal-setter. Goal-crusher. Do better. Feel better. Always looking at ways to learn more. About myself. Challenge myself. Be a great mother. Meet all my expectations. And yes. Sometimes. Try and meet someone else’s expectations. Point being. I want to be the best at everything I do. I am obsessed with doing. I am obsessed with doing better. With doing more. Because more is better. More makes me believe I am better.

And that’s the slap of reality. Kick in the stomach reality. Blindsided the F outta me on good day reality, I have been forced to look at about myself in the past couple weeks.

Yellow Heart

The truth is. It’s not a new reality for me. I just realized why I fill every bit of my time up doing things for everyone else. Or doing things that somehow show my worth. The good thing news is I wouldn’t change being a “giver”. The bad news is, I am so busy giving, I give up on myself. You see in some twisted unconscious mindset I believe that doing. And giving means that I matter. Doing and giving means that I am important. I am not invisible. And doing and giving, makes me irreplaceable.

But what all this doing and giving outshines the authentic me. And I am left feeling even more replaceable. And unimportant. So I do more. And more. Even though I know better.

Green Heart

Because you see, I am not what I do. I am not the things I get done. My f-ing never-ending to-list I work on isn’t why I am here. I am playing a role of a “busy-giver-doer’ and it’s failing me. Again. Again. Because it’s a role. And it’s not who I am.

Heart in a tree

But if I stopped all the doing. I mean all the doing I could stop. Not work or grad school. Or my mother responsibilities. I mean the all the extra doing I’ve noticed fills up my time. And to be honest. I don’t even know if I could stop. For starters that would mean my house would be a mess. And I don’t do well when my house is a mess. Or if we have take-out for dinner. Two nights in a row. But I am trying. And that’s what counts.

But seriously. If I stopped all the doing. Doing all these things. I am forced to just be who I am. I am forced to look at the woman who feels lost in busy-ness. Failing herself. Over. And over again. The past couple months. And frankly, when everything is stripped away. When I look beneath the busy-ness. I don’t feel true to myself. I am playing the role of a “busy-giver-doer”. And it’s failing me.

White Heart

So the last couple weeks I have been coming to terms with being a “busy-giver-doer” like never before. And maybe. Just maybe. I don’t feel as worthy as I led myself to believe. No. I still have lots more work to do.
And that’s okay. Even if it doesn’t feel okay. Because the hardest part was realizing why I still fall into my nasty habit of being a “busy-giver-doer” and give up on things that matter the most to me. The things that nurture who I am.

Being the best at everything I do, doesn’t make me more worthy. No. Doing the things that nurture who I am. Believing in myself. Believing that I am enough. That I am worthy without being a “busy-giver-doer”. That has been my challenge the past couple weeks. I am coming to terms with it. I am coming to terms with the woman that allows herself to fail herself. Again. And again. I am a work in progress. I am mindful of what I need to change about myself. I don’t want to see my nasty habit again. I want to feel worthy without doing all these f-ing things. All the. Time. And I want to change. More than I want to stay the same.

But the truth is, its f-ing hard. Some days more than others. Series of moments hurt my heart. There have been tears. And there will probably be more tears. Maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there right now. Either way. I am here. Reintroducing myself to the world. Showing up to share the good. And bad of what becoming a better version of myself truly means. Showing up to share what being a boss truly means. Because when I don’t show up? I feel worse, because I know better. And I know, you know, better too. And I know. You know. Exactly what I am talking about.

Heart on a tree

 So there you have it. Busy-ness doesn’t equal worthiness. In other news. I think I am the only person in Northern California that slept through a 6.0 earthquake. I am crossing training at a new office. Buckaroo turned 16. Britney still crows. I ran so hard yesterday I could barely walk today. I am having take-out for dinner. I can’t sleep past 6am on weekends anymore. I have missed each and every one of you. The best decision I made for my family and myself since old pup passed away was getting a puppy. More on her later. I don’t like being late for anything. But right now I am behind in everything. And I finally see the finish line with grad school.

What’s new with you?

What did you do today to be active?

Any fun plans for the weekend?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

The Time. I Decided. Enough. Is F-ing Enough.

Prettiness

I have been thinking about this post all last week. I have been trying to figure out how to word it. So I don’t sound like a bitch. Or give negativity any life. But I can’t stop thinking about it. Stewing over it. And not saying anything about it. Well. Feels wrong.
It all started on twitter.

Yellow Leaf Heart

I was skimming through my twitter feed. Nothing unusual about it. Recipes. Running. News. Inspirational quotes. And then there was a tweet that one of my followers responded to that instantly made my blood pressure hit the roof. In part the tweet said “women, you don’t gain muscle mass that easily and definitely not by lifting 5lbs”. At first I thought maybe I was taking it out of context, so I followed the link to a post. Nope. Not out of context. Um. Are you f-ing kidding me?

Heart On a Leaf

A blue moon ago. I was lifting 5 pound weights. Which meant I made a commitment to get stronger. I made a commitment to be a better version of myself. And part of that journey started with lifting 5 pound f-ing weights. And what upset me the most about the tweet was. There is a person out there beginning their journey to be a better version of themselves. With five-pound weights. They don’t know what it feels like to look back. To see progress. To lift heavier weights. And I know that lifting those 5 pound weights. Will one day. Be totally worth it. The part that upsets me the most? There is a person out there who will be skimming through their twitter feed. See the tweet. Read the post. And decide lifting 5 pound weights isn’t worth it. And just give up on their journey to be a better version of themselves.

I didn’t respond to the tweet. Honestly I couldn’t think of a thing to say that would not breathe life into the negativity.
So I let it go. And went about my day. Until another interaction brought it up again two days later.

Red Heart

We had longtime friends over for a BBQ. By longtime friends. I mean 20 plus years. I was in their wedding. Before kids friends. She started running about a year or so ago. She runs to lose weight. Get in shape. And has participated in a number of races including a 10k. She is currently training for her first half marathon. We were talking about running. Training plans. Running in the hot ass weather we have been having. And she told me she was out running a while back. And someone driving by threw a water bottle at her. It missed hitting her in the head by mere inches. Um. Are you f-ing kidding me?!

At first I laughed. I tend to do that at the wrong times. Then I tried to see something positive about it.
“Was it hot out?”
“Maybe they were trying to be nice?”
“NO” she said
They were laughing and clearly trying to hit me with it”.

I felt awful for her. At the same time, I was so proud of her for not cutting her run short. Giving up on running. And giving up on becoming a better version of herself. Running is hard. Getting out there to run is even harder. But having a water bottle thrown at you? She had every reason to quit. And there is a person out there who may have already quit because some a-hole thinks throwing a water bottle at someone running. Is f-ing funny.
Later that evening I started writing a post. But it just ended up being a rant. That gave life to the negativity. Which is exactly what I didn’t want to do.

So I let it go. Again.But not for very long.

Heart Shadow

Until I was skimming through my twitter feed and saw a tweet from Runner’s World…….

“Have you (or someone you know) fallen victim to these top 10 running fashion faux pas?”
You can see the post here
Um. Are you f-ing kidding me?!

And I lost it.
@runnersworld I run. I wear what I want. I don’t give an F what anybody has to say about it. Every runner should do the same. End of story.

Here’s the thing. I prefer wearing shorts when I run in the pouring rain. Most of my shorts are very short. And if I was a man. I would run shirtless in the rain. With longer shorts of course. I am also the queen of matching.Making fun of what people shouldn’t wear when they run. Isn’t funny. At least to me.

For me it goes back to that one person that wore what Runner’s World called a “victim” of a fashion faux”. Or probably more people. If we are being realistic. Runner’s World has 800k followers on twitter. And maybe those people didn’t think it was funny either. So they decided to give up on running. They decided to give up on becoming a better version of themselves.
And that really upsets me.
And yes. The timing of the tweet had a little something to do with why it upset me.
But that’s not the point.

Green Leaf Heart

The point is. When I see someone start running. Or walking. Doing yoga. Pilates. Or swimming. When I see someone decide to lose weight. To live a more active and healthy life. Or make a change in their life to become a better version of themselves. Whether they are my best friend. Or someone I barely know. I am rooting for them. Routing them when and if I can. I want them to see progress. To feel progress. I want them to be successful. I want the best for them. Because I know how it feels to embark on a life changing goal. I know how it feels to reach a life changing goal. And I desperately want everyone to know that feeling. Because the truth is. If I can do it. Anyone can do it. Which means I am no better than you. And you are no better than me. Our journey in getting there is just different.

Green Heart

When I see a tweet that is riddled with superiority. Or Ridicule. Or I hear about a water bottle being thrown out a car window at a runner. What I don’t see. Is a mindset that is giving inspirational fuel to someone else. What I don’t see is someone routing for someone else to see progress. What I don’t see is someone using their knowledge. And experience to help someone else get to. Where ever it is that person wants to go. Whether that person is starting their journey to be a better version of themselves. Or they are close to reaching their goal to live a more active and healthy life. Because the truth is. We all can use as much inspirational fuel as we can get. Because becoming a better version of ourselves is hard f-ing work.

Heart Rock

This superiority and ridicule? It’s got to stop. Enough is f-ing enough. I am better than this. Everyone is better than this. Each and every one of us needs to support one another. In a positive way. To become a better version of ourselves. And if we can’t be positive. Nonjudgmental. Or supportive. Then maybe we should just not say anything at all.

So how about we all. Make it a personal goal. To be authentic. Supportive. Kind. To take every opportunity we have to give others inspirational fuel on their journey of being a better version of themselves.

Stay tuned for a wrap-up of May in Photos. June goals. And more.

And yes. One of my June goals is to find a way to organize my blog. And my blog posts.
I know I have asked you before, but any thoughts on how I can do better? Nothing has worked so far and its driving me a little crazy.

Did you. Or are you racing this weekend?

What’s for dinner?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

May Goals (In Progress)

Loveliness

I’ve been working on my May goals already. I did put a little more long-term thought into them, which is something I did not do for April. You see, I kind of set myself up to fail in April by committing to running hills and increasing my mileage. The problem was, I don’t really have any long runs that involve good hills without a lot of driving. So increasing my mileage didn’t go so well. But the hills did. I feel like I have a little room to decide what I would rather be working on since I am not really training for any races that are coming up. But not for long, my Fall races will be here before we know it.

Anyhow, my goals for May are…..
Running hills and continuing to build muscle.
A photo challenge on Instagram. So far it’s been fun, you should join me!

May Photo Challenge

Getting comfortable with meal prep for the week. I do awesome with meal planning, but when it comes to prepping on say, Sunday for meals during the week? Not so much. Things are continuing to move forward with my work stuff and I am sure doing as much as I can on Sundays for lunch and dinner during the week will be totally worth it

Walnut Heart

The last goal I actually have been thinking about the past few months. My blog. I love to run. I love to share my running experiences and the hearts I find. But with that said. My life isn’t just about running. Yes. I will share milestone race recaps. Yes. I will do reviews for products that I believe in. Or love. But for my own authenticity and the uniqueness of my blog, I will continue to talk about whatever is going on with me and my life. What I am thinking about. Or something I feel passionate about. Most of which somehow involves running. Yes. But not all of it. I think those of you who have been a part of my life for a long time now, know exactly what I mean. And honestly, I don’t feel like I need to explain myself.Or my blog. And I am not going to say anything else about it. Again.

Tiny Heart

I am off to finish up my assignments so I will be done with another class. Yes. Done. I don’t have a break in-between classes. But another class puts me another class closer to graduation. And I have decided I will fall in love with grad school the moment I turn in my last assignment.
Stay tuned for Friday favorites. My thoughts on judgment. Letting go. Hearts. Reviews. And if everything falls into place, a surprise.

Wait. One more thing. Can I just say something? To all of you pretty awesome people who have been a part of my journey the past year. Thank you. For all that you say and do. And for allowing me to be a part of your journey too. I am so grateful to have you all be a part of my life.

How are you May goals going?

How about your New Year’s resolutions?

Do you have any tips or meals ideas for meal prep for the week?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!