When I Look Beneath the Busy-ness

Run Away

There is no mistaking I am a doer. Go-getter. Goal-setter. Goal-crusher. Do better. Feel better. Always looking at ways to learn more. About myself. Challenge myself. Be a great mother. Meet all my expectations. And yes. Sometimes. Try and meet someone else’s expectations. Point being. I want to be the best at everything I do. I am obsessed with doing. I am obsessed with doing better. With doing more. Because more is better. More makes me believe I am better.

And that’s the slap of reality. Kick in the stomach reality. Blindsided the F outta me on good day reality, I have been forced to look at about myself in the past couple weeks.

Yellow Heart

The truth is. It’s not a new reality for me. I just realized why I fill every bit of my time up doing things for everyone else. Or doing things that somehow show my worth. The good thing news is I wouldn’t change being a “giver”. The bad news is, I am so busy giving, I give up on myself. You see in some twisted unconscious mindset I believe that doing. And giving means that I matter. Doing and giving means that I am important. I am not invisible. And doing and giving, makes me irreplaceable.

But what all this doing and giving outshines the authentic me. And I am left feeling even more replaceable. And unimportant. So I do more. And more. Even though I know better.

Green Heart

Because you see, I am not what I do. I am not the things I get done. My f-ing never-ending to-list I work on isn’t why I am here. I am playing a role of a “busy-giver-doer’ and it’s failing me. Again. Again. Because it’s a role. And it’s not who I am.

Heart in a tree

But if I stopped all the doing. I mean all the doing I could stop. Not work or grad school. Or my mother responsibilities. I mean the all the extra doing I’ve noticed fills up my time. And to be honest. I don’t even know if I could stop. For starters that would mean my house would be a mess. And I don’t do well when my house is a mess. Or if we have take-out for dinner. Two nights in a row. But I am trying. And that’s what counts.

But seriously. If I stopped all the doing. Doing all these things. I am forced to just be who I am. I am forced to look at the woman who feels lost in busy-ness. Failing herself. Over. And over again. The past couple months. And frankly, when everything is stripped away. When I look beneath the busy-ness. I don’t feel true to myself. I am playing the role of a “busy-giver-doer”. And it’s failing me.

White Heart

So the last couple weeks I have been coming to terms with being a “busy-giver-doer” like never before. And maybe. Just maybe. I don’t feel as worthy as I led myself to believe. No. I still have lots more work to do.
And that’s okay. Even if it doesn’t feel okay. Because the hardest part was realizing why I still fall into my nasty habit of being a “busy-giver-doer” and give up on things that matter the most to me. The things that nurture who I am.

Being the best at everything I do, doesn’t make me more worthy. No. Doing the things that nurture who I am. Believing in myself. Believing that I am enough. That I am worthy without being a “busy-giver-doer”. That has been my challenge the past couple weeks. I am coming to terms with it. I am coming to terms with the woman that allows herself to fail herself. Again. And again. I am a work in progress. I am mindful of what I need to change about myself. I don’t want to see my nasty habit again. I want to feel worthy without doing all these f-ing things. All the. Time. And I want to change. More than I want to stay the same.

But the truth is, its f-ing hard. Some days more than others. Series of moments hurt my heart. There have been tears. And there will probably be more tears. Maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there right now. Either way. I am here. Reintroducing myself to the world. Showing up to share the good. And bad of what becoming a better version of myself truly means. Showing up to share what being a boss truly means. Because when I don’t show up? I feel worse, because I know better. And I know, you know, better too. And I know. You know. Exactly what I am talking about.

Heart on a tree

 So there you have it. Busy-ness doesn’t equal worthiness. In other news. I think I am the only person in Northern California that slept through a 6.0 earthquake. I am crossing training at a new office. Buckaroo turned 16. Britney still crows. I ran so hard yesterday I could barely walk today. I am having take-out for dinner. I can’t sleep past 6am on weekends anymore. I have missed each and every one of you. The best decision I made for my family and myself since old pup passed away was getting a puppy. More on her later. I don’t like being late for anything. But right now I am behind in everything. And I finally see the finish line with grad school.

What’s new with you?

What did you do today to be active?

Any fun plans for the weekend?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

Motivational Monday

Comfort Zones

This coming week seems to be all about leaving my comfort zone. Personally. Professionally. And physically. Despite feeling a little apprehensive. No wait. Feeling very apprehensive. But I do know I can’t get to where I am going, by staying where I am. And when it’s all over, it will be worth it. So right now I am focusing on staying positive and imagining what things will look like when this week is over.
Stay tuned for April goals. Thoughts on holding on and letting go. And a couple of reviews. Yes. I am a little behind in my posts. Okay. I feel a little behind in everything. But in the meantime, I look forward to continuing to see what all of you pretty awesome people have been doing.

Do you ever feel completely caught up with things?

How is Monday treating you?

When was the last time you left your comfort zone?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

Find The Lesson In Your Experiences

Love The Run

At some point in our lives, we all will have our hearts broken. Or we will be faced with an experience that challenges every last fiber or our inner strength and optimism. At some point in our lives we may we lose our faith. Hope. Confidence. And we will truly question whether everything will turn out okay. Or whether we will ever will come to a place where we can put the most difficult challenge we have faced in our lives is behind us.

Pink Heart

As most of you pretty awesome people know, a little over a month ago my Princess went through an experience that challenged every fiber of her strength. Shattered her heart to pieces. Terrified her. Broke her spirit. And she lost a piece of the innocence of being a young beautiful woman, she can never replace.

Paint splatter Heart

As a mother, when it happened. In the moment. And the series of moments that followed. I was in a place where I couldn’t take her pain away. I couldn’t do anything that would make things better. I wasn’t able to hug her. Hold her hand. Or wipe away her tears. All I could do was hold onto my faith so tightly. Every moment. And cry. For hours. That she would be okay. Because I couldn’t imagine it any other way. She had to be okay. And I felt like if I let go. If I loosened my grip on my faith. If I allowed myself to think for a second that she wouldn’t be okay, I would somehow change the outcome.
But we got through the worst of things. She was safe. She was physically okay. And the healing process began. Only it wasn’t just my Princess that needed to heal. I needed to heal too. For me, on top of the pain as the mother of my Princess, going through that experience opened up on old horrible painful wound of my own. With my own mother.

Green Heart

Let’s go back 25 plus years. Some of you will remember I have written about facing a situation where it was unlikely, I would live through the night. My mother was in a place where she could have tried to make things better. She could have hugged me. And she could have held my hand. For hours. But she didn’t. And she wasn’t there when I woke up and I was told there was no reasonable explanation. Other than a miracle. That I was alive. And from that moment, I hated my mother for years. Until I finally was able to find forgiveness.

Now let’s fast forward to going through the experience with my Princess. Since, I have realized regardless if I have forgiven my mother. As a mother, I would have given anything to be there for my Princess. And my own mother could have been there for me all those years ago. But she wasn’t. And I know. And I have been told. I will never be given an explanation that remotely helps me understand why. And whether I like it or not, I need to come to a place where I am okay with that.

White Heart

But here’s the thing. I know I am a better mother as a result of my own mother’s shortcomings. I know that the reason Princess has nearly put the pain of her experience behind her, is I have given her the tools. No. Wait. I have shown my Princess how to be strong. I have shown her how to look at a horrible experience, take what she needs from that experience. Sift through the pain of that experience and find a valuable lesson. Find something to positive to take away from that experience. Begin to move forward. And leave the pain of that experience behind her.
And after a lot of thinking. A lot of yoga. And watching my Princess begin to move forward. I have realized the point of all this. You see, I will never understand why my mother wasn’t there for me that night 25 plus years ago. No. But her not being there forced me to learn how to be strong on own. And finding forgiveness forced me to find a valuable lesson in my own experience. And forced me to look for something positive in every challenge I am faced with. So even though I thought I couldn’t be there for my Princess, in the moments. Or series of moments a little over a month ago. I was there with her. Because I am a part of what helped her learn she is strong. I am part of her having the tools to begin to move forward. And she didn’t have to figure it all out on her own.
And I am forever grateful for that.

Leaf Heart

I am also grateful for being able to do Yoga. Aside from running, yoga is the only other thing I can do to try to make sense of everything that doesn’t make sense. To put the pain of an experience behind me. And move forward. So for the past month or so running has taken a back seat. Not for good of course. I just needed yoga to show me the way through this one. And to be honest, I have been struggling with feeling a motivation to run.I hope that will change soon.

Heart Rock

And I am here to tell you. Yes. At some point in our lives, we all will have our hearts broken. Or we will be faced with an experience that challenges every last fiber or our inner strength and optimism. But what we do with that experience is up to us. We can choose to play a victim. Blame others. Hold on to negativity and allow that experience to hold us back from living the life we deserve. Or we can find the valuable lesson of that experience and use that lesson to be a stronger and a better version of ourselves.

How is your Thursday going?  I have a ton of research to do for an assignment and the rainy, cold weather makes for a perfect day to get it all done.

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!