When I Look Beneath the Busy-ness

Run Away

There is no mistaking I am a doer. Go-getter. Goal-setter. Goal-crusher. Do better. Feel better. Always looking at ways to learn more. About myself. Challenge myself. Be a great mother. Meet all my expectations. And yes. Sometimes. Try and meet someone else’s expectations. Point being. I want to be the best at everything I do. I am obsessed with doing. I am obsessed with doing better. With doing more. Because more is better. More makes me believe I am better.

And that’s the slap of reality. Kick in the stomach reality. Blindsided the F outta me on good day reality, I have been forced to look at about myself in the past couple weeks.

Yellow Heart

The truth is. It’s not a new reality for me. I just realized why I fill every bit of my time up doing things for everyone else. Or doing things that somehow show my worth. The good thing news is I wouldn’t change being a “giver”. The bad news is, I am so busy giving, I give up on myself. You see in some twisted unconscious mindset I believe that doing. And giving means that I matter. Doing and giving means that I am important. I am not invisible. And doing and giving, makes me irreplaceable.

But what all this doing and giving outshines the authentic me. And I am left feeling even more replaceable. And unimportant. So I do more. And more. Even though I know better.

Green Heart

Because you see, I am not what I do. I am not the things I get done. My f-ing never-ending to-list I work on isn’t why I am here. I am playing a role of a “busy-giver-doer’ and it’s failing me. Again. Again. Because it’s a role. And it’s not who I am.

Heart in a tree

But if I stopped all the doing. I mean all the doing I could stop. Not work or grad school. Or my mother responsibilities. I mean the all the extra doing I’ve noticed fills up my time. And to be honest. I don’t even know if I could stop. For starters that would mean my house would be a mess. And I don’t do well when my house is a mess. Or if we have take-out for dinner. Two nights in a row. But I am trying. And that’s what counts.

But seriously. If I stopped all the doing. Doing all these things. I am forced to just be who I am. I am forced to look at the woman who feels lost in busy-ness. Failing herself. Over. And over again. The past couple months. And frankly, when everything is stripped away. When I look beneath the busy-ness. I don’t feel true to myself. I am playing the role of a “busy-giver-doer”. And it’s failing me.

White Heart

So the last couple weeks I have been coming to terms with being a “busy-giver-doer” like never before. And maybe. Just maybe. I don’t feel as worthy as I led myself to believe. No. I still have lots more work to do.
And that’s okay. Even if it doesn’t feel okay. Because the hardest part was realizing why I still fall into my nasty habit of being a “busy-giver-doer” and give up on things that matter the most to me. The things that nurture who I am.

Being the best at everything I do, doesn’t make me more worthy. No. Doing the things that nurture who I am. Believing in myself. Believing that I am enough. That I am worthy without being a “busy-giver-doer”. That has been my challenge the past couple weeks. I am coming to terms with it. I am coming to terms with the woman that allows herself to fail herself. Again. And again. I am a work in progress. I am mindful of what I need to change about myself. I don’t want to see my nasty habit again. I want to feel worthy without doing all these f-ing things. All the. Time. And I want to change. More than I want to stay the same.

But the truth is, its f-ing hard. Some days more than others. Series of moments hurt my heart. There have been tears. And there will probably be more tears. Maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there right now. Either way. I am here. Reintroducing myself to the world. Showing up to share the good. And bad of what becoming a better version of myself truly means. Showing up to share what being a boss truly means. Because when I don’t show up? I feel worse, because I know better. And I know, you know, better too. And I know. You know. Exactly what I am talking about.

Heart on a tree

 So there you have it. Busy-ness doesn’t equal worthiness. In other news. I think I am the only person in Northern California that slept through a 6.0 earthquake. I am crossing training at a new office. Buckaroo turned 16. Britney still crows. I ran so hard yesterday I could barely walk today. I am having take-out for dinner. I can’t sleep past 6am on weekends anymore. I have missed each and every one of you. The best decision I made for my family and myself since old pup passed away was getting a puppy. More on her later. I don’t like being late for anything. But right now I am behind in everything. And I finally see the finish line with grad school.

What’s new with you?

What did you do today to be active?

Any fun plans for the weekend?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

Mid June Goings On

Big Heart Over My Path!

I don’t know where June is going. But she seems to be an awful hurry. Okay. So it feels like the days are just flying by. But in reality a couple things I had in the works are coming together. And becoming a reality. Fall training has begun. DIY projects in my yard and home are done. And some DIY projects are still being worked on. And baby showers are being planned.

Heart Leaf

That job I interviewed for a while back? I start work this Wednesday. I am not nervous about doing my job well. I am nervous about trying to manage everything. All at once.

Heart Shadow

Grad school “decision makers” decided having extra classes going on in the summer was a good idea. I have no doubt the extra curse words. A few tears. And overwhelm will continue. But the good news is, I am at my halfway point this week. Only four more weeks of extra-ness overwhelm. Trust me its a thing. 

Heart Leaf

Two weeks in a row I made a goal to do something to nurture myself. Run away. Or do something just for me. And I failed miserably. So tomorrow I made a date with myself to sit by the pool. My thinking is F-you guilt that I am already and going to feel.Easier said then done. I hope guilt doesn’t win. 

Heart on a Leaf

Part of May and so far in June there has been some very petty negativity going on that I haven’t been able to completely get away from. Everyone learns differently about what is really important. I get that. What that said. Its one of those lose. Lose situations. I have taken as many steps back as I possibly can. But I am still at my wits end with it all.

Heart on a Leaf

I am off to the grocery store(s). I don’t know how I will manage adjusting to work, but I am extra grateful I am organized. I planned meals for the week and will be doing a little prep tomorrow evening.

Stay tuned for a review. A giveaway. A winner. An Award. And more. Not necessary in that order.

How is your Monday going?

What did you do today to be active?

Did you notice the heart above my running path in the first photo?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

It’s. Apso-f-ing-lutely. Worth it.

Run. Away.

If you are embarking on any personal journey towards living a healthier, happier, active life, chances are you know what you have to do. You’ve heard it. Seen it written all over social media. Or even written it yourself. I am talking about three words. Three words hold the only key to unlocking a better version of yourself. Three words. You know what they are. Say them with me. Believe. In. Yourself.

We all have something we believe in. And why not believe in the very person. Who decides whether or not we will finish that race. Lose the weight. Get in shape. Make better food choices. Drink less booze. Or love ourselves more. Believe. In. Yourself. It sounds easy enough right?

Heart Shell

The half-true is, believing in myself is easy. Beautiful. Sexy even. Self-confidence runs through my veins. Sure I have dark moments. Or a series of dark moments when I doubt myself. And what I am capable of. And yes. Those moments are difficult. But at the same time. I know they are only dark moments. I know that if I can recognize my dark moments. I need to be ready to show up for a positive versus negative reasons not to quit debate in my head. I know that if I hold my positive ground in that debate. I will win. And before I walk away. I will thank those dark moments for making me a stronger version of myself. I will achieve my goal (s). Make another. And my life goes on. But that’s only half the truth.

White Heart

The whole truth of believing in myself is much murkier. Less sexy. Darker. Painful.  Difficult. And sometimes downright f-ing ugly.

But nobody wants to talk about the murky. Less sexy part of believing in ourselves. Or the dark and difficult moments. Or series of moments. When we are left alone. With ourselves. Left alone with our version of the truth about ourselves. The series of moments when our version of the truth will strip us down to the core of our authenticity. Vulnerability. And weaknesses. Again. And again. Until we learn to fall in love with who we are. And our authenticity. No. Nobody wants to talk about the difficult parts when giving up on ourselves is a viable option. And staying the same means more than becoming a better version of ourselves. Nobody wants to talk about how valuable the downright f-ing ugly parts of believing in ourselves will be for us to become a better version of ourselves. And a stronger version of ourselves. Nobody wants to talk about how f-ing hard believing in yourself is, in a world where the health and beauty industries make billions of dollars off you. Or me. By not believing in ourselves. No. Most of the time, everyone wants to talk about half the truth. Because half the truth is easy. And half the truth isn’t painful.

Heart on a Rock

You see, I didn’t wake up one day believing in myself. It didn’t arrive on a white horse. Or in the mail. It wasn’t delivered by a stork. And I sure the hell didn’t open it on Christmas morning. I didn’t buy any of the latest diets craze. Or beauty fads. No. The less sexy. Downright ugly parts of believing in myself happened over time.

The self-confidence running through my veins comes from my experiences. Mindfulness. Taking chances. Falling. Getting back up. Letting go. Pushing harder. Finishing. Starting over again. And learning to fall in love with myself. Yes. All that happened over time too.

But now that I am here. It’s beautiful. Sexy even. To not give two Fs what Running World has to say about what I wear running. Or what I don’t wear running. To not give two Fs about naysayers but also remember how far I have come to get to here. Where I am today. To get to a place in my life where I feel protective over the runners and other people out there who are going through the much murkier. Less sexy. Darker. Painful. Difficult. And sometimes downright f-ing ugly parts of believing in themselves.

Shell Heart

So if you are embarking on any personal journey towards living a healthier, happier, active life. Or you are somewhere on that journey. Trust me when I say this. I can’t tell you how to believe in yourself. Nobody can tell me how to believe in myself. We have to want something more than staying the same. We have to go through a series on not-so-sexy moments to find out who we are. We have to be willing to learn how fall in love with ourselves. Our self-worth. And the breathing taking perfection of our own authenticity.

But what I can tell you is this. No.Wait.  What I can promise you. Is every single part of going through your journey to the whole truth of believing in yourself. Is apso-f-ing-lutely worth it.

Heart in the Sand

Stay tuned for, in no particular order……..looking back at May in photos. Going forward in June. Big changes. A review. The winner of a Spartan entry. And more.

Is Tuesday being nice to you?

What have you done today to be active?

What’s for dinner?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!