When I Look Beneath the Busy-ness

Run Away

There is no mistaking I am a doer. Go-getter. Goal-setter. Goal-crusher. Do better. Feel better. Always looking at ways to learn more. About myself. Challenge myself. Be a great mother. Meet all my expectations. And yes. Sometimes. Try and meet someone else’s expectations. Point being. I want to be the best at everything I do. I am obsessed with doing. I am obsessed with doing better. With doing more. Because more is better. More makes me believe I am better.

And that’s the slap of reality. Kick in the stomach reality. Blindsided the F outta me on good day reality, I have been forced to look at about myself in the past couple weeks.

Yellow Heart

The truth is. It’s not a new reality for me. I just realized why I fill every bit of my time up doing things for everyone else. Or doing things that somehow show my worth. The good thing news is I wouldn’t change being a “giver”. The bad news is, I am so busy giving, I give up on myself. You see in some twisted unconscious mindset I believe that doing. And giving means that I matter. Doing and giving means that I am important. I am not invisible. And doing and giving, makes me irreplaceable.

But what all this doing and giving outshines the authentic me. And I am left feeling even more replaceable. And unimportant. So I do more. And more. Even though I know better.

Green Heart

Because you see, I am not what I do. I am not the things I get done. My f-ing never-ending to-list I work on isn’t why I am here. I am playing a role of a “busy-giver-doer’ and it’s failing me. Again. Again. Because it’s a role. And it’s not who I am.

Heart in a tree

But if I stopped all the doing. I mean all the doing I could stop. Not work or grad school. Or my mother responsibilities. I mean the all the extra doing I’ve noticed fills up my time. And to be honest. I don’t even know if I could stop. For starters that would mean my house would be a mess. And I don’t do well when my house is a mess. Or if we have take-out for dinner. Two nights in a row. But I am trying. And that’s what counts.

But seriously. If I stopped all the doing. Doing all these things. I am forced to just be who I am. I am forced to look at the woman who feels lost in busy-ness. Failing herself. Over. And over again. The past couple months. And frankly, when everything is stripped away. When I look beneath the busy-ness. I don’t feel true to myself. I am playing the role of a “busy-giver-doer”. And it’s failing me.

White Heart

So the last couple weeks I have been coming to terms with being a “busy-giver-doer” like never before. And maybe. Just maybe. I don’t feel as worthy as I led myself to believe. No. I still have lots more work to do.
And that’s okay. Even if it doesn’t feel okay. Because the hardest part was realizing why I still fall into my nasty habit of being a “busy-giver-doer” and give up on things that matter the most to me. The things that nurture who I am.

Being the best at everything I do, doesn’t make me more worthy. No. Doing the things that nurture who I am. Believing in myself. Believing that I am enough. That I am worthy without being a “busy-giver-doer”. That has been my challenge the past couple weeks. I am coming to terms with it. I am coming to terms with the woman that allows herself to fail herself. Again. And again. I am a work in progress. I am mindful of what I need to change about myself. I don’t want to see my nasty habit again. I want to feel worthy without doing all these f-ing things. All the. Time. And I want to change. More than I want to stay the same.

But the truth is, its f-ing hard. Some days more than others. Series of moments hurt my heart. There have been tears. And there will probably be more tears. Maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there right now. Either way. I am here. Reintroducing myself to the world. Showing up to share the good. And bad of what becoming a better version of myself truly means. Showing up to share what being a boss truly means. Because when I don’t show up? I feel worse, because I know better. And I know, you know, better too. And I know. You know. Exactly what I am talking about.

Heart on a tree

 So there you have it. Busy-ness doesn’t equal worthiness. In other news. I think I am the only person in Northern California that slept through a 6.0 earthquake. I am crossing training at a new office. Buckaroo turned 16. Britney still crows. I ran so hard yesterday I could barely walk today. I am having take-out for dinner. I can’t sleep past 6am on weekends anymore. I have missed each and every one of you. The best decision I made for my family and myself since old pup passed away was getting a puppy. More on her later. I don’t like being late for anything. But right now I am behind in everything. And I finally see the finish line with grad school.

What’s new with you?

What did you do today to be active?

Any fun plans for the weekend?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

Motivational Monday

Starting Over

Running has not been going well. Or rather, running hasn’t happened in almost two weeks. I don’t really have an excuse. A few all-nighters and a lot of 18 hour days have been going on around here. I have been adjusting to the new job I absolutely love. The big event I hosted is over. Both Princess and Buckaroo are doing well. And somehow I am still maintaining a 4.0 in both of my classes. Yes. All of that going on at the same time will get in the way of running. If I allow it too. Which somehow I did. You see. It was my choice to come home from work and get into my PJ’s rather than my running clothes. It was also my choice to say F someone’s impossible expectations I am taking an hour to myself. And actually taking that hour to myself. But most importantly it was my choice to not make the time for something that is very important to me. Yes. I see a pattern too. And a bad habit that continues to get in the way of not just my running, but my “me time”. Weekends away. And a vacation. Yes. I will continue to work on it.

So I have a little over six weeks until my race and I am starting my half-marathon training again. I know. It would be easier to just say f-it, but I could never forgive myself. So I will get out there when it cools down this evening. Put one foot in front of the other. And make it happen. I am not worried about my pace or finishing time. I just want to finish strong. And I think I can get my body and mind ready enough to do just that in six weeks. So yes. I am starting my half marathon training over. Or at least it feels that way. But the truth is, I am not starting over. I am picking up where I left off. It’s the f-ing first step that feels the same as starting over. But I know me. Giving up is not an option.

Stay tuned for a review. Job goings on. My June reflection(s) and July goals. Not necessary in that order. And of course, I sure look forward to seeing what you all have been up too

What have you done today to be active?

What’s for dinner? The boys are having pulled pork sandwiches (crock pot) and I am having a green salad with all the fixings.

How are you doing?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

Mid June Goings On

Big Heart Over My Path!

I don’t know where June is going. But she seems to be an awful hurry. Okay. So it feels like the days are just flying by. But in reality a couple things I had in the works are coming together. And becoming a reality. Fall training has begun. DIY projects in my yard and home are done. And some DIY projects are still being worked on. And baby showers are being planned.

Heart Leaf

That job I interviewed for a while back? I start work this Wednesday. I am not nervous about doing my job well. I am nervous about trying to manage everything. All at once.

Heart Shadow

Grad school “decision makers” decided having extra classes going on in the summer was a good idea. I have no doubt the extra curse words. A few tears. And overwhelm will continue. But the good news is, I am at my halfway point this week. Only four more weeks of extra-ness overwhelm. Trust me its a thing. 

Heart Leaf

Two weeks in a row I made a goal to do something to nurture myself. Run away. Or do something just for me. And I failed miserably. So tomorrow I made a date with myself to sit by the pool. My thinking is F-you guilt that I am already and going to feel.Easier said then done. I hope guilt doesn’t win. 

Heart on a Leaf

Part of May and so far in June there has been some very petty negativity going on that I haven’t been able to completely get away from. Everyone learns differently about what is really important. I get that. What that said. Its one of those lose. Lose situations. I have taken as many steps back as I possibly can. But I am still at my wits end with it all.

Heart on a Leaf

I am off to the grocery store(s). I don’t know how I will manage adjusting to work, but I am extra grateful I am organized. I planned meals for the week and will be doing a little prep tomorrow evening.

Stay tuned for a review. A giveaway. A winner. An Award. And more. Not necessary in that order.

How is your Monday going?

What did you do today to be active?

Did you notice the heart above my running path in the first photo?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!