When I Look Beneath the Busy-ness

Run Away

There is no mistaking I am a doer. Go-getter. Goal-setter. Goal-crusher. Do better. Feel better. Always looking at ways to learn more. About myself. Challenge myself. Be a great mother. Meet all my expectations. And yes. Sometimes. Try and meet someone else’s expectations. Point being. I want to be the best at everything I do. I am obsessed with doing. I am obsessed with doing better. With doing more. Because more is better. More makes me believe I am better.

And that’s the slap of reality. Kick in the stomach reality. Blindsided the F outta me on good day reality, I have been forced to look at about myself in the past couple weeks.

Yellow Heart

The truth is. It’s not a new reality for me. I just realized why I fill every bit of my time up doing things for everyone else. Or doing things that somehow show my worth. The good thing news is I wouldn’t change being a “giver”. The bad news is, I am so busy giving, I give up on myself. You see in some twisted unconscious mindset I believe that doing. And giving means that I matter. Doing and giving means that I am important. I am not invisible. And doing and giving, makes me irreplaceable.

But what all this doing and giving outshines the authentic me. And I am left feeling even more replaceable. And unimportant. So I do more. And more. Even though I know better.

Green Heart

Because you see, I am not what I do. I am not the things I get done. My f-ing never-ending to-list I work on isn’t why I am here. I am playing a role of a “busy-giver-doer’ and it’s failing me. Again. Again. Because it’s a role. And it’s not who I am.

Heart in a tree

But if I stopped all the doing. I mean all the doing I could stop. Not work or grad school. Or my mother responsibilities. I mean the all the extra doing I’ve noticed fills up my time. And to be honest. I don’t even know if I could stop. For starters that would mean my house would be a mess. And I don’t do well when my house is a mess. Or if we have take-out for dinner. Two nights in a row. But I am trying. And that’s what counts.

But seriously. If I stopped all the doing. Doing all these things. I am forced to just be who I am. I am forced to look at the woman who feels lost in busy-ness. Failing herself. Over. And over again. The past couple months. And frankly, when everything is stripped away. When I look beneath the busy-ness. I don’t feel true to myself. I am playing the role of a “busy-giver-doer”. And it’s failing me.

White Heart

So the last couple weeks I have been coming to terms with being a “busy-giver-doer” like never before. And maybe. Just maybe. I don’t feel as worthy as I led myself to believe. No. I still have lots more work to do.
And that’s okay. Even if it doesn’t feel okay. Because the hardest part was realizing why I still fall into my nasty habit of being a “busy-giver-doer” and give up on things that matter the most to me. The things that nurture who I am.

Being the best at everything I do, doesn’t make me more worthy. No. Doing the things that nurture who I am. Believing in myself. Believing that I am enough. That I am worthy without being a “busy-giver-doer”. That has been my challenge the past couple weeks. I am coming to terms with it. I am coming to terms with the woman that allows herself to fail herself. Again. And again. I am a work in progress. I am mindful of what I need to change about myself. I don’t want to see my nasty habit again. I want to feel worthy without doing all these f-ing things. All the. Time. And I want to change. More than I want to stay the same.

But the truth is, its f-ing hard. Some days more than others. Series of moments hurt my heart. There have been tears. And there will probably be more tears. Maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there right now. Either way. I am here. Reintroducing myself to the world. Showing up to share the good. And bad of what becoming a better version of myself truly means. Showing up to share what being a boss truly means. Because when I don’t show up? I feel worse, because I know better. And I know, you know, better too. And I know. You know. Exactly what I am talking about.

Heart on a tree

 So there you have it. Busy-ness doesn’t equal worthiness. In other news. I think I am the only person in Northern California that slept through a 6.0 earthquake. I am crossing training at a new office. Buckaroo turned 16. Britney still crows. I ran so hard yesterday I could barely walk today. I am having take-out for dinner. I can’t sleep past 6am on weekends anymore. I have missed each and every one of you. The best decision I made for my family and myself since old pup passed away was getting a puppy. More on her later. I don’t like being late for anything. But right now I am behind in everything. And I finally see the finish line with grad school.

What’s new with you?

What did you do today to be active?

Any fun plans for the weekend?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

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15 thoughts on “When I Look Beneath the Busy-ness

  1. Oh man – I needed to read this today. I too am a “busy-doer-giver”, trying constantly to keep up and be perfect, whatever that is. I ran 7 miles this morning. There probably won’t be any running until our heat wave passes (100+ for the next 5 days). The weekend involves a master class in ballet for my princess, two (adult) birthday parties, church, and more dance. Happy weekend!

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  2. I’m a firm believer that you have to take care of yourself. You have to give yourself some time to be you and not do what everybody else needs from you or what you think they need from you. The only way you can be the best person you can be is if you take care of yourself. Find enjoyment in things that are yours and yours alone. But, I also understand how you feel. Even as I’ve carried that idea with me, for years I tried to do everything I was supposed to do. Now, years later, I’m done doing it. I have become more and more selfish lately because it is simply impossible to keep doing for others when they don’t fill your hole. If that makes sense. I hate that I have become selfish, but I kind of feel like I have to to protect myself.

    As for staying active, I have finally … no, really … turned the corner on running. About a month and a half ago, I committed to the idea of running three to four miles three or four days a week and doing my physical therapy exercises on the days I didn’t run. I have stuck with it and stretched my runs out as well. This week, I ran 5.5 miles, 4 miles, and 4.5 miles. So far the ol’ groin is doing fine. It’s my knees that are the problem now. And the fact that I frequently walk like an old man after a run. 🙂

    Keep doing what you do, but make sure you take care of yourself. It’s really important.

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    • You are so right and I admire your ability to be selfish. I think that is one of my hurdles is feeling selfish and guilty when I do say no, or not help out etc. I do know I need to make a change, the migraines start to become more frequent, in fact my second one this week is coming on this morning. I don’t expect it to be easy, but one day at a time I will get there 🙂

      I am so, so happy to hear your running is going so well! I was having trouble with one of my knees (feeling sore and stiff/achy) and I think it had to do with my shoes (they had a tone of miles on them) once I got new shoes it didn’t bother me. I hope your knees start to improve and have an awesome weekend! ❤

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  3. Thanks so much for the reminder. I also judge my worth by what I accomplish, which is a horrible measure when life happens and not much is accomplished. Waking up in the morning and rolling out of bed somehow doesn’t rate very high on the accomplishment list. I walked with my sister, today. It was muggy but beautiful. We went to our favorite eatery for breakfast, which was fun. 🙂

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  4. Wow, busy-ness isn’t the word for it. I’m exhausted for you just reading this post!!! You do so much – I’d be concerned about burnout! Keep doing what needs to be done, but enjoy life the most you can. Lifevis too short, kids grow up too quickly, puppies mature into dogs, and races come and go. Just don’t miss the fun!!! I loved your post. Keep writing! 😉

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    • Oddly enough I didn’t even think about being burned out, but my heavens that makes total sense! 😊

      And it’s so true, I’ve been pulled in so many directions, fun doesn’t really come into play, that needs to change! 😊

      It’s so great to “see” you and I hope you all are doing well! ❤️

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  5. Great post! I got excited when I saw this in my feed! I agree with kingmidget, you have to take care of yourself. I try and give myself that “me” time 4 or 5 times a week. It’s the only way I keep my sanity. That me time is a 2+ mile run outdoors with my 9 month old puppy. Best therapy in the world.

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