In the last couple days my skills as a mother have been in question. And not just by myself, by Buckaroo too. On Friday I discovered Buckaroo has been crossing the line. You know the one, the line between what he should and absolutely shouldn’t be f-ing doing. Because he knows better. As a mother there are no easy answers. Or solutions. No. Mostly there have been a lot of tears, anger and an overwhelmingly large amount of disappointment.
Buckaroo also informed me he wishes I wasn’t his mother. He thinks I am mean. That I overreact. The latest choices he has made are “no big deal”. I am ruining his life. That he would be better off without me. And its somehow it’s all my fault. Which is all absolute BS. I know that. But it still hurts because I don’t want to hear any of those things. I want him to think I am mother who is funny. Loving. Amazing. Fun. And I want him to know that I one day I will be his friend. Just not today. Or tomorrow. No. For the next long while I am his mother. And I want him to want me as his mother. And agree with why I get upset with him doing things he shouldn’t. But no. He wants a different mom. And a part of me wants a different son. Maybe a son that doesn’t break the rules. Or still wants to hang out with me. I am talking about the son, my son Buckaroo that isn’t a teenager. Because as a mother, raising a teenager is difficult enough. I already know this. Not long ago Princess was a teenager. But throw in a teenage boy into the mix and everything I thought was difficult about raising a teenager? Well I was wrong. Its plain f-ing hard raising a teenager.
I am sure Buckaroo thinks if I changed he would feel better. And I think if he changed I would feel better. But the truth is, there was a time when I didn’t want my mom to be my mother. But thinking I wanted a different mother never made my mother a better mother. It never made her do what I thought she should do. And it certainly never changed the things she did. It just made my life miserable. So I understand why Buckaroo doesn’t want me as his mother. But there isn’t much I can do about that. My job as his mother is not to convince him I am a good mother. Or one day I will make a great friend. That I do have good advice. Or hanging out with me is fun. No. My job is to be Buckaroo’s mother, whether he likes it or not. To allow him to make mistakes and be there when he faces the consequences. To hold him accountable for his choices. And to prepare him for the “real world” the best I can. My job as Buckaroo’s mother is to love him. And keep loving him, no matter what.
So two days later Buckaroo is grounded. At this point for life. I have yet to come up with a consequence that feels like a relevant punishment for his choices. And as I prepare for a new week, it feels similar to preparing for the last week. With so much unfinished business awaiting me. To figure out. Make sense of. To do. And to resolve. But I do know, allowing myself to think things will, or should, be any different from what they are, is not productive for getting anything done. I am grateful things are they way there are. They could be so much worse. So I will continue to do the only thing I am certain of that helps me continue to move forward. And one challenge, one resolution and one step at a time, this too shall pass. For now, I am off to finish preparing dinner. We are having twice baked potatoes, salad and a roast.
What did you do this weekend?
What’s for dinner?
Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!