Tootsie Tueday

December 2012

This was December 2012. I had doubled my mileage from October to November. I just didn’t feel or think I was back. I believed I was almost  back. I had given my very best to my training. I kept showing up. The tears. The sore muscles. Were all worth it. And my training was finally giving something back to me. I still had training to do to be at my prior heart stuff endurance level. But physically and mentally it felt doable. Manageable. Possible. And In sight. Who would have imagined six, or eleven months later, I would be physically and mentally challenged with another setback. Not me. No. I imagined myself in a very different place that involved all kinds of additions to my race memorabilia collection. Where I imagined myself to be, is not where I am today. No. Where I am today feels like where I have already been. It feels familiar. It’s a place where my mind and body are at odds with one another. Only my worst enemy isn’t telling I can’t take another step. Or I should quit. No. It’s a different place where my mind and body are not on the same page of my running instruction manual titled “My Relationship With Running”.

On page 11078 of the manual it says I can run ceaselessly. Effortlessly. With intention. Purpose. Meaning. And significance. Feeling motivated comes easy. But on page 10872 it says I am still facing minor setbacks. I don’t run ceaselessly. Without pain. Exacerbation of pain. Or frustration. Also on page 10872, it says I am showing up. But running feels forced and difficult.  I am showing up because I refuse to give up on myself. And then on page 10873 it says I am showing up because I know I can’t stay where I am. I am showing up because I know in my heart, staying where I am will not get me to where I want to be.

Today, I realized my mind is on a page 11078 and my body is somewhere around page 10872 of my running instruction manual. Disconnected from one another. Separated. With only fleeting moments of effective communication when I stop thinking I should be anywhere else in my progress other than where I am. Yes.  And it’s that disconnect. That comparison, which has become my personal recipe to set myself up to fail miserably. Almost every time I go for a run. Because you see when I lace up my shoes and I hit the trail, despite everything I know about my injury. Despite everything I tell myself about my injury. Despite all the progress I tell myself I have made in healing. Despite all the progress I have made in healing. Despite all the pages I have added to my manual since my injury, I still believe that I should be somewhere around page 11078 of my running manual. But most of the time. Especially lately. I get out on the trail and my body is actually somewhere around page 10872 of that same manual. That’s the familiarity I feel today. And I am left feeling discouraged. Defeated. Held Back. Hindered. Slowed-down. And still thinking. Still believing that I should be on page 11078. That’s why I feel I have been here before.  So my goal. The place I am going to focus on getting to. For right now. Is not a time. A distance. A race. Or a finish line. No. My goal is to stop the disconnection between my mind and body. And the only way I am going to stop that disconnection is to stop comparing myself on pages 10872, 11078 or any other page of my manual for that matter.  And stop allowing myself to believe I should be on any other page in my running instruction manual, other than the page I added today.

Have you set yourself up to fail by comparing yourself to something or someone?

What’s for dinner?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

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19 thoughts on “Tootsie Tueday

  1. I’m right there with you again. My hip is so bad I have to go to the chiropractor tomorrow. It seems I’ll never get past this. Of course I’m only on page 155 of my running book. 🙂 If anyone can recover, I’ll bet you can! At least the book isn’t finished yet, right?!

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    • Oh no! I hope the chiro helps! And you will get past it!

      Oh my heavens Tom it was a new low today for a while, but I did realize that comparison with my former injury self was setting myself up to fail. So my plan is to be more mindful and keep showing up.
      And thank you so much its an ongoing instruction manual and I don’t know where I got those numbers 😉
      but I definitely think you are far behind page 155 in your manual! 🙂

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      • Thank you!!! You know what I like about your attitude? You have an overcoming attitude! You hit a wall, make an adjustment and keep going. I know these situations are probably more difficult than your blog alludes to, and you still keep going. That is a quality that I really admire. Thank you!!! You really help and inspire me! 🙂

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  2. I never had a page 11078 in my running journal. 😉 I’m not somebody who has ever run easily. Yes, there was a time, for a couple of years, where I could do runs of up to 7 or 8 miles with regularity. But, there was never an easy run because there was always pain involved. I never was and never will be one of those people who can just go out and run. I envy those who have.
    As for your questions … As I said a few days ago, I don’t compete against anybody but myself. My own expectations of what I should be capable of. In my earlier running incarnation, that meant running 9-minute miles no matter the length of the run. I actually managed some success at hitting that objective. Now, with a two year break and being two years older and given the injury I’m recovering from, I’m trying to be OK with running miles that range from 10 to 11-minute miles. And it is so hard to “settle” for that because I know what I did and think I should be able to do again.
    And then there are my knees. After last night, I’m not sure when I’ll run again. 😦

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    • I think that is what holds me back the most is I absolutely love running and the miles when it does feel effortless its a feeling I don’t get from anything else.

      I completely understand trying to be “okay” with things, my archives the last few months are certainly a reflection of of trying to let go and accept what is. Some days I can be “okay” with it, others, not so much. The interesting part is I am comparing myself to post heart stuff. Somewhere in that manual it shows where I let go of my pace times etc pre heart stuff and felt okay. And I intend to find it.

      And I have no doubt you will run again! You have come so far from being inspired to run again! Its a setback, obstacle something to look at and problem solve. Until I hear about a specialist saying “no way”? Then okay. But even then the optimist in me believes there would still be hope. So please, don’t give up until you have exhausted/tried every option/solution possible. You’ve got this! 🙂

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      • I’m not giving up. I just need to see if a few days of rest (maybe a week of rest) will help my knees. There is definitely something wrong. So, I just need to go through the process of figuring it out.

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  3. Yep. I set myself up to fail when I did a 400km Audax cycling event. Instead of cycling alone at my own pace, I tried to keep up with the other riders who were all so much more experienced and faster than me. I was about 5 hours ahead of the time cut off but at about 160km I sat on the side of the road and stopped. It was the best thing that happened to me because I learned a lot from the failure. But it was also 100% my own fault. 🙂

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  4. Pingback: 9 runs to the Chiropractor | 278 to Boston

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