This was December 2012. I had doubled my mileage from October to November. I just didn’t feel or think I was back. I believed I was almost back. I had given my very best to my training. I kept showing up. The tears. The sore muscles. Were all worth it. And my training was finally giving something back to me. I still had training to do to be at my prior heart stuff endurance level. But physically and mentally it felt doable. Manageable. Possible. And In sight. Who would have imagined six, or eleven months later, I would be physically and mentally challenged with another setback. Not me. No. I imagined myself in a very different place that involved all kinds of additions to my race memorabilia collection. Where I imagined myself to be, is not where I am today. No. Where I am today feels like where I have already been. It feels familiar. It’s a place where my mind and body are at odds with one another. Only my worst enemy isn’t telling I can’t take another step. Or I should quit. No. It’s a different place where my mind and body are not on the same page of my running instruction manual titled “My Relationship With Running”.
On page 11078 of the manual it says I can run ceaselessly. Effortlessly. With intention. Purpose. Meaning. And significance. Feeling motivated comes easy. But on page 10872 it says I am still facing minor setbacks. I don’t run ceaselessly. Without pain. Exacerbation of pain. Or frustration. Also on page 10872, it says I am showing up. But running feels forced and difficult. I am showing up because I refuse to give up on myself. And then on page 10873 it says I am showing up because I know I can’t stay where I am. I am showing up because I know in my heart, staying where I am will not get me to where I want to be.
Today, I realized my mind is on a page 11078 and my body is somewhere around page 10872 of my running instruction manual. Disconnected from one another. Separated. With only fleeting moments of effective communication when I stop thinking I should be anywhere else in my progress other than where I am. Yes. And it’s that disconnect. That comparison, which has become my personal recipe to set myself up to fail miserably. Almost every time I go for a run. Because you see when I lace up my shoes and I hit the trail, despite everything I know about my injury. Despite everything I tell myself about my injury. Despite all the progress I tell myself I have made in healing. Despite all the progress I have made in healing. Despite all the pages I have added to my manual since my injury, I still believe that I should be somewhere around page 11078 of my running manual. But most of the time. Especially lately. I get out on the trail and my body is actually somewhere around page 10872 of that same manual. That’s the familiarity I feel today. And I am left feeling discouraged. Defeated. Held Back. Hindered. Slowed-down. And still thinking. Still believing that I should be on page 11078. That’s why I feel I have been here before. So my goal. The place I am going to focus on getting to. For right now. Is not a time. A distance. A race. Or a finish line. No. My goal is to stop the disconnection between my mind and body. And the only way I am going to stop that disconnection is to stop comparing myself on pages 10872, 11078 or any other page of my manual for that matter. And stop allowing myself to believe I should be on any other page in my running instruction manual, other than the page I added today.
Have you set yourself up to fail by comparing yourself to something or someone?
What’s for dinner?
Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!