I remember this evening well. Princess graduated from high school. It was a brutally painful, but euphoric evening. You see when my Princess turned 18 earlier in that year (2o1o), she decided she hated me. She came home out of the blue and declared she was moving out. She hated my rules. She hated to talk to me. She hated to see me. She hated me for being her mother. And to add salt to the gaping wound, my half-sister quickly became “Team I Hate My Mom” number one advocate.
So this evening, the one that was supposed to be a celebration of not only my little girl’s success, but also mine. My Princess wasn’t speaking to me. It was one of the most difficult and proud moments of my life. You see, being a young mother, there were countless obstacles and statistics stacked up against me. This evening proved I had done everything in my power to be a good mother. And that I had done it well. I had done what so many people said I wouldn’t or couldn’t do. I raised an intelligent, goal oriented, amazing, beautiful young woman.
But you see none of that mattered in the moments before and after this photo. My Princess not only agreed to allow me to take this photo, but afterwards she gave me the biggest and warmest hug. And I was able to tell her how proud I was of her and how much I loved her. And for a moment, my heart hurt just a little less.
And then she went back to hating me. For months. Stories were told to her. That were not mine. They were my half-sisters. Lies were told. And when it didn’t seem my half-sister could go any lower. She did. It was sickening. It still is sickening when I think or talk about it. But I have found forgiveness. And to be thoroughly honest? I feel sorry for my half-sister. I pray she faces her demons. And I pray she loves herself enough one day, to not be so hurtful to others. Because the one thing she couldn’t change was that my Princess is my daughter. And I am her mother. So I waited. I kept my mouth shut. And I didn’t react to the latest accusation(s) that were thrown at me. And I cried myself to sleep every single night. It took longer than I could have ever imagined. But my Princess finally saw through the actions of my half-sister for what they were. And my Princess saw me for who I was again. Her mother. And just like that my Princess stopped hating me. But that whole experience is deserving of its own post(s). And its why I dread family gatherings sometimes. Because even though I have forgiven my half-sister. Even though I feel sorry for her. That doesn’t me that I like her. One tiny little bit. And I am not a victim-y person. Someday, I will expose the pain of that experience. Just not today.
It has been a challenging couple days. I am slowly healing. I feel jealous when I see people running. How crazy is that?! I know I will run again. Sooner than it feels. So I am focusing on my progress. I am trying to not be overwhelmed by all the catching up I have to do in all aspects of my life. I have to rest I found out yesterday, I am testing for the county job I applied for next week. I am giving extra needed attention to my 14-year-old lab, who is not doing well. And I am sorting through the lesson I am now able to see my injury has given me. And I am trying to articulate exactly what the lesson means. So I can share it. Because it is a valuable one.
Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!