If You Really Knew Me

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If you really knew me, you would know that I love the truth. Even if it hurts to hear it. Or speak it. I am not afraid of asking, or answering difficult questions. About myself or about others. If you really knew me, you would know that I am willing to give up what’s important to me, to see someone else happy. You would know, being willing to give up what is important to me is one of the internal battles I have with myself. Almost daily. You would know I am trying to get better at putting myself first, I still fail miserably. I have learned it takes practice. And at the rate I am going, lots of practice.

If you really knew me, you would know that I love my children, more than my own heartbeat. When they aren’t doing well, I lie awake at night and worry about them.  I feel their pain. I would give anything to take it away. But I can’t. I can only shelter them so much. They need tough lessons to be ready to face the world. A world that is not always kind.

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If you really knew me, you would know I haven’t ever felt insecure about my looks. No. Just insecure about being a good mother. Because you see I was a young mother. I have been a mother 21 years of my life. That’s more than half my life. You would know the people I never imagined could be so unkind. People I call family. Preyed on that insecurity. Like scavengers.

If you really knew me, you would know that I am afraid sometimes. Afraid to show up. And be vulnerable. To risk anyone seeing, I am really not so tough after all. It’s not so much about being afraid of whether I will be liked, or loved. It’s in essence whether I can show up. Long enough. For someone else to have an opinion.

If you really knew me, you would know that after my heart surgery I waited two weeks to find out whether or not I would need a heart transplant. You would know my case was so unique; I am part of medical research to help others. If you really knew me, you would know during the setbacks I have faced, and still face with running, I find comfort in knowing perhaps someone else doesn’t have to go through what I did.

If you really knew me, you would know, we are really not very different. Our stories yes. But we all feel pain when someone we love is hurting. Anger when we have been wronged. And happiness when we see, or do something extraordinary. We all do our best to love ourselves first, so that we may love another free of our past hurts. As difficult as that may be sometimes. Because you see loving ourselves takes hard work. Commitment. Compassion. And patience to allow ourselves to make mistakes. To start over again. And again. But the most difficult moments. The moments when we wish we could be someone else. Or anywhere else. Those are the moments where the depths of our authenticity reside. Those are the moments when we discover we are only limited by how strong we think we are. Life has a way of showing us how strong we really are. Sometimes it’s painful. Almost too much to bear. We can wish that our lives we easier. But what if that wish was granted? Would we be the same? I believe we would be different. Very different. If you really knew me, you would know that my life hasn’t always been fair. And I am okay with that. It’s more beautiful than I could have imagined.

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

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