I don’t believe in giving up when things get hard. However painful they may be to face, I say rip the band-aid off and let’s talk about it. Let’s look at the situation. How can I or you, do better next time? What can we learn and grow from it? To learn and grow together? Point being, let’s move forward.
It goes a little something like this. People don’t always want to hear what I have to say. They don’t want to know how I feel. Hurtful words and accusations come easy. I couldn’t possibly be upset because of them! Why? They only said those things because I said something that upset them. I did something to upset them. They have turned the tables so quickly on me; I don’t have time to gather my wits. They have twisted my words. They are so adamant and convincing, that I find myself starting to believe them. I don’t react. I don’t defend myself. Mostly because there is no point. And I won’t play the victim card. Being hurtful back doesn’t solve anything. The conversation ends. They appear satisfied. Of course they do, they haven’t done anything wrong. I have given them a large supply of ammunition by sharing my life with them. They appear to enjoy using it. I am the one left wondering how I could have said how I felt in a different way so I didn’t upset them. I am left wondering what I can do to change how I do things so I won’t upset them. And then I realize. This isn’t the first time I am compromising who I am. How I feel, and what makes me happy for their love and acceptance. I realized they never really knew me or the woman I am becoming. And I will be moving forward without them.
But sometimes moving forward without someone doesn’t mean leaving them behind. Sisters or sharing a child with someone makes certain of that. What it means is, I will no longer share my life with them. It has nothing to do with trust. How much I love them. How much I sometimes I do miss sharing my life with them. It simply means I don’t believe they ever really knew me. I cannot share my life with someone who perhaps unknowingly expects me to compromise who I am, who I am becoming in order to have a positive relationship with them. To make them happy. Moving forward without them doesn’t mean I will stop talking to them. That isn’t in option. I just won’t share the real things. The things I used to confide in them. The pain that comes with being a parent sometimes. I won’t ask them for advice. I won’t tell them how I feel. They can assume, they can listen to what others say, but they won’t know the truth. They won’t know how I am doing, when I am hurt, happy, sad, or lonely. Because they didn’t hear it from me.
I will continue moving forward. I will continue learning and growing. Letting go. One person I see from afar is growing too. Reaching out, seeing my distance as me being overwhelming busy. Not realizing no matter how overwhelmingly busy I am, I always make time for the people I share my life with. Another person is making the same mistakes they used as ammunition against me. And another trying desperately to make amends. But the thing is, I have moved on without them. I have found forgiveness. I have no place in my life for them except for the discussing the surface stuff. Discussing the real stuff is left for the people who really know me. Why? The others really didn’t know me at all. Because I know the difference. I have learned. The people who would do anything to move forward with me are who I make time for. They don’t use my mistakes, my feelings as ammunition for judgment and hurt. The others, well, unless it’s related to a family gathering I don’t have time for them. Maybe it’s not how I pictured it to end, but I am okay with that. What matters most is enjoying the positive relationships I am blessed to be a part of. Having the opportunity to make mistakes free of judgment and learn from them. Realizing there are no issues that can’t be resolved, if both people are willing to rip the band-aid off, and face them together. Move forward together. You see? It wasn’t the end I pictured, it was the beginning of me not compromising who I am for love and acceptance. I need to keep moving. And keep running to all things I see in my dreams.
Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!