There is no mistaking I am a doer. Go-getter. Goal-setter. Goal-crusher. Do better. Feel better. Always looking at ways to learn more. About myself. Challenge myself. Be a great mother. Meet all my expectations. And yes. Sometimes. Try and meet someone else’s expectations. Point being. I want to be the best at everything I do. I am obsessed with doing. I am obsessed with doing better. With doing more. Because more is better. More makes me believe I am better.
And that’s the slap of reality. Kick in the stomach reality. Blindsided the F outta me on good day reality, I have been forced to look at about myself in the past couple weeks.
The truth is. It’s not a new reality for me. I just realized why I fill every bit of my time up doing things for everyone else. Or doing things that somehow show my worth. The good thing news is I wouldn’t change being a “giver”. The bad news is, I am so busy giving, I give up on myself. You see in some twisted unconscious mindset I believe that doing. And giving means that I matter. Doing and giving means that I am important. I am not invisible. And doing and giving, makes me irreplaceable.
But what all this doing and giving outshines the authentic me. And I am left feeling even more replaceable. And unimportant. So I do more. And more. Even though I know better.
Because you see, I am not what I do. I am not the things I get done. My f-ing never-ending to-list I work on isn’t why I am here. I am playing a role of a “busy-giver-doer’ and it’s failing me. Again. Again. Because it’s a role. And it’s not who I am.
But if I stopped all the doing. I mean all the doing I could stop. Not work or grad school. Or my mother responsibilities. I mean the all the extra doing I’ve noticed fills up my time. And to be honest. I don’t even know if I could stop. For starters that would mean my house would be a mess. And I don’t do well when my house is a mess. Or if we have take-out for dinner. Two nights in a row. But I am trying. And that’s what counts.
But seriously. If I stopped all the doing. Doing all these things. I am forced to just be who I am. I am forced to look at the woman who feels lost in busy-ness. Failing herself. Over. And over again. The past couple months. And frankly, when everything is stripped away. When I look beneath the busy-ness. I don’t feel true to myself. I am playing the role of a “busy-giver-doer”. And it’s failing me.
So the last couple weeks I have been coming to terms with being a “busy-giver-doer” like never before. And maybe. Just maybe. I don’t feel as worthy as I led myself to believe. No. I still have lots more work to do.
And that’s okay. Even if it doesn’t feel okay. Because the hardest part was realizing why I still fall into my nasty habit of being a “busy-giver-doer” and give up on things that matter the most to me. The things that nurture who I am.
Being the best at everything I do, doesn’t make me more worthy. No. Doing the things that nurture who I am. Believing in myself. Believing that I am enough. That I am worthy without being a “busy-giver-doer”. That has been my challenge the past couple weeks. I am coming to terms with it. I am coming to terms with the woman that allows herself to fail herself. Again. And again. I am a work in progress. I am mindful of what I need to change about myself. I don’t want to see my nasty habit again. I want to feel worthy without doing all these f-ing things. All the. Time. And I want to change. More than I want to stay the same.
But the truth is, its f-ing hard. Some days more than others. Series of moments hurt my heart. There have been tears. And there will probably be more tears. Maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there right now. Either way. I am here. Reintroducing myself to the world. Showing up to share the good. And bad of what becoming a better version of myself truly means. Showing up to share what being a boss truly means. Because when I don’t show up? I feel worse, because I know better. And I know, you know, better too. And I know. You know. Exactly what I am talking about.
So there you have it. Busy-ness doesn’t equal worthiness. In other news. I think I am the only person in Northern California that slept through a 6.0 earthquake. I am crossing training at a new office. Buckaroo turned 16. Britney still crows. I ran so hard yesterday I could barely walk today. I am having take-out for dinner. I can’t sleep past 6am on weekends anymore. I have missed each and every one of you. The best decision I made for my family and myself since old pup passed away was getting a puppy. More on her later. I don’t like being late for anything. But right now I am behind in everything. And I finally see the finish line with grad school.
What’s new with you?
What did you do today to be active?
Any fun plans for the weekend?
Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!