When I Look Beneath the Busy-ness

Run Away

There is no mistaking I am a doer. Go-getter. Goal-setter. Goal-crusher. Do better. Feel better. Always looking at ways to learn more. About myself. Challenge myself. Be a great mother. Meet all my expectations. And yes. Sometimes. Try and meet someone else’s expectations. Point being. I want to be the best at everything I do. I am obsessed with doing. I am obsessed with doing better. With doing more. Because more is better. More makes me believe I am better.

And that’s the slap of reality. Kick in the stomach reality. Blindsided the F outta me on good day reality, I have been forced to look at about myself in the past couple weeks.

Yellow Heart

The truth is. It’s not a new reality for me. I just realized why I fill every bit of my time up doing things for everyone else. Or doing things that somehow show my worth. The good thing news is I wouldn’t change being a “giver”. The bad news is, I am so busy giving, I give up on myself. You see in some twisted unconscious mindset I believe that doing. And giving means that I matter. Doing and giving means that I am important. I am not invisible. And doing and giving, makes me irreplaceable.

But what all this doing and giving outshines the authentic me. And I am left feeling even more replaceable. And unimportant. So I do more. And more. Even though I know better.

Green Heart

Because you see, I am not what I do. I am not the things I get done. My f-ing never-ending to-list I work on isn’t why I am here. I am playing a role of a “busy-giver-doer’ and it’s failing me. Again. Again. Because it’s a role. And it’s not who I am.

Heart in a tree

But if I stopped all the doing. I mean all the doing I could stop. Not work or grad school. Or my mother responsibilities. I mean the all the extra doing I’ve noticed fills up my time. And to be honest. I don’t even know if I could stop. For starters that would mean my house would be a mess. And I don’t do well when my house is a mess. Or if we have take-out for dinner. Two nights in a row. But I am trying. And that’s what counts.

But seriously. If I stopped all the doing. Doing all these things. I am forced to just be who I am. I am forced to look at the woman who feels lost in busy-ness. Failing herself. Over. And over again. The past couple months. And frankly, when everything is stripped away. When I look beneath the busy-ness. I don’t feel true to myself. I am playing the role of a “busy-giver-doer”. And it’s failing me.

White Heart

So the last couple weeks I have been coming to terms with being a “busy-giver-doer” like never before. And maybe. Just maybe. I don’t feel as worthy as I led myself to believe. No. I still have lots more work to do.
And that’s okay. Even if it doesn’t feel okay. Because the hardest part was realizing why I still fall into my nasty habit of being a “busy-giver-doer” and give up on things that matter the most to me. The things that nurture who I am.

Being the best at everything I do, doesn’t make me more worthy. No. Doing the things that nurture who I am. Believing in myself. Believing that I am enough. That I am worthy without being a “busy-giver-doer”. That has been my challenge the past couple weeks. I am coming to terms with it. I am coming to terms with the woman that allows herself to fail herself. Again. And again. I am a work in progress. I am mindful of what I need to change about myself. I don’t want to see my nasty habit again. I want to feel worthy without doing all these f-ing things. All the. Time. And I want to change. More than I want to stay the same.

But the truth is, its f-ing hard. Some days more than others. Series of moments hurt my heart. There have been tears. And there will probably be more tears. Maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there right now. Either way. I am here. Reintroducing myself to the world. Showing up to share the good. And bad of what becoming a better version of myself truly means. Showing up to share what being a boss truly means. Because when I don’t show up? I feel worse, because I know better. And I know, you know, better too. And I know. You know. Exactly what I am talking about.

Heart on a tree

 So there you have it. Busy-ness doesn’t equal worthiness. In other news. I think I am the only person in Northern California that slept through a 6.0 earthquake. I am crossing training at a new office. Buckaroo turned 16. Britney still crows. I ran so hard yesterday I could barely walk today. I am having take-out for dinner. I can’t sleep past 6am on weekends anymore. I have missed each and every one of you. The best decision I made for my family and myself since old pup passed away was getting a puppy. More on her later. I don’t like being late for anything. But right now I am behind in everything. And I finally see the finish line with grad school.

What’s new with you?

What did you do today to be active?

Any fun plans for the weekend?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

A “New Normal”

Be Here Now

I don’t recommend getting used to having anything stay the same for long. Especially when you are someone like me who wants to be the best version of herself. Without question being a better version of myself involves constant change. And as I have been brutally reminded these past weeks. I need to ease into change. I need time to get used to the change(s). And then reorganize my day and/or my life so that the change(s) simply become my “new normal”.

Green Heart

The truth? It’s easy to reorganize my life. Or day. When the changes don’t happen all at once. That’s when rather than lose my sanity, I prioritize. My home. Family. Grad School. Work. And no. I am not a priority to myself when everyone and everything else needs to be my priority. Deadlines. Cooking dinner. Working. There isn’t enough time in the day for anything about me. Literally. Running can even become less of a priority if I am not careful. And I know. That you know. Exactly what I am talking about.
And that is where July and almost August went. Overtaken by change and my priorities. Big changes. And an overwhelming number of priorities. All at once.

Kokanee Goodbye

My old pup took a turn for the worse.

Heart Leaf

I adjusted to working at my new job. But my days didn’t get any longer. That when my prioritizing started working overtime.

I made it through finals and completing my final projects with my Summer courses. The pressure I put on myself to make the Dean’s List for a third term? Well. It paid off.

Quilt One

I made a quilt for my niece.

Quilt Two

I made another quilt for the Mr’s daughter’s baby on the way. Which will technically make me a grandmother soon. But I refuse to let that make me feel old. Okay. Refusing is a stretch. I am trying.

Geocache

Buckaroo and I found our first Geocache. Its safe to say, I am obsessed.

Heart Rock

The #100 happy challenge on Instagram I am doing really helped me look for the good in every day. Even on the horrible days. And its not to late for you to start the challenge. I would love you to join me!

Waiting for Bean

I went back and forth from the hospital for  waiting for my nephew to be born. My sister’s labor was high risk. The Mr. stayed home with old pup. My little pup wouldn’t leave her side. But its not the same. I knew I would never forgive myself if old pup passed away without me or the Mr being with her. 

Kokanee

Old pup passed away the same day my nephew was born. She was nearly 15 years old.  The Mr. didn’t tell me until after my nephew was born. So I left the hospital, picked up Princess and met the Mr. at the vet to have old pup cremated. Then Princess and I went back up to the hospital to see my nephew. I really don’t know how to put in words what those series of moments on that day felt like.

waiting for Olive

Less than three days later I headed to the hospital in the city and I waited for my niece to arrive.

Bean and Olive

I feel so blessed to be a part of both my amazing sister’s births. My nephew and niece are perfect.

White Heart

Today I am adjusting to having old pup gone. Starting my courses for Fall. And feeling like. This. Today. Everything that is on my plate at this moment. Is my “new normal”. And its manageable when I can make time for running more often.

Which means I can also come back to something that is about me. For me. Which is blogging. Running. And sharing my life with all of you. Seeing what all of you have been up too. With some form of consistency. In some ways I will be picking up where I left off. Stay tuned. I have some a-may-zing reviews to share with you. And so. So. Much more.

How is your Tuesday going?

What did you done today to be active?

I sure have missed all of you, thank you to those who have reached out to me!  Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!

Its Time to Be a Mindfully Safe Runner

Run Away

I will be the first to admit I don’t take runner safety seriously. I prefer to run alone. And I prefer to run in the middle of nowhere. Sure I think about safety sometimes. I have had a few scary moments. Or even series of moments. But even so, pepper spray doesn’t always make it out the door with me. And if I hurt myself, chances are I would wait a long while for help. I know. I know. Nowadays that’s probably risky. I guess I am just not ready to let the mean F-ers out there win and steal away my version of a piece of heaven here on earth. But this past week I almost let those mean F-ers out there win.

A woman was attacked on my creek trail. She is a friend of a friend. She is okay. A police report was filed. But now what. It didn’t feel safe to go alone. And remember? I heard about it from a friend. I didn’t read it in the local paper. Or see it on the news. Which means, there is someone who runs. Walks. Or bikes that trail who hasn’t heard about it at all. Which also means the F-er who has yet to be apprehended, might still be out there stalking his prey. Aka. Women runners and walkers. Aka. Me.

Running Safely

My coworker also lives in the area and when I told her about it she took charge of hanging signs on the East side. And I took charge of hanging signs on the West side. So far Buckaroo and I have made two trips on the West side and will make another trip later today. I just don’t think I can hang enough signs.

But even with all the yuckiness. I am not letting that F-er. Or any F-er for that matter spoil my little piece of heaven. Yes. I will carry pepper spray. Yes. I will be more mindful. Yes I will try and run during busier times on the trail. And yes I will be sure to let someone know exactly where I am going to run and when. Because nowadays this is what women need to do. Nowadays this is what I need to do. That’s reality. But I don’t have to like it one bit. Because it isn’t fair. And it makes me want to pack up everything and move to some remote island. But even there I am sure there is something I would need to look out for. Like Bushmen or something.

So I guess my point is. I will be mindful of persons or things that could hurt me. But I will not focus on them. Focusing on anything related to negativity takes something incredibly special and sacred away from me. But yes. I will be more mindful about being safe.

Tiny Roses Big Heart

In other news, training for my half isn’t going that well. But I am making progress. And no. Not the kind of progress that feels like real progress. Just the one foot in front of the other kind of progress. I started the #100happydays photo challenge. I am working on my final project/papers for my classes. My chicken Britney crows, but everyone says she is a hen. I am obsessed with vanilla creamer in my coffee. And there are still review posts to be written. A bit about being busy. And they probably won’t be in that order.

Be honest. Are you a safe runner or walker?

What’s for dinner? We are having BBQ chicken, potato and green salad, homemade mac and cheese and garlic bread. And if I could drink a coffee with vanilla creamer with it I would.

Have you ever ran a race you didn’t train for? How did you do?

Until next time, always be true to yourself and think like a boss!